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And the Hits Just Keep On Coming.

Righto – so I have to update you on October as well as this month so this one will be a longish one. And, boy… is it a doozy.

I started a podcast.

Around mid-October, a friend of mine was dumped. She didn’t take it well, and I suggested she write a letter to her ex – not to actually send to him, but to just purge some of the muck she was carrying around.

It reminded me of my 2010 art project called Letters to an Ex-Lover, in which I asked people from around the world to write and record a letter to their significant ex-partner and I exhibited them with a quilt I made featuring quotes from each letter.

In the age of podcasting, I thought this could be a really lovely community project – a place where people could find closure and self-acceptance by anonymously recording themselves reading out a letter.

So… I jumped in with both feet and did it! Episode 2 was released last week and so far, it’s going pretty well. I am always desperate for more letters but the ones I’ve already received have been wonderful.

I’m really enjoying the whole process of podcasting. I love editing the letters, and then recording my audio and then piecing the entire episode together. Even writing those show notes are really fun for me.

Marrying into… heavy stuff.

Sometime in October, S’ ex-wife, K, called him to say she wasn’t doing well. Her drinking had gotten out of hand and she had made the decision to go to rehab.

Even though we were both so proud of her for making this decision, it obviously made S very anxious because he worried about how his son, B, would cope with such a big change. K’s other ex-partner, S2, with whom she has another son, O (this is getting complicated – I know), has been an outstanding father figure to B, but the poor guy was clearly overwhelmed with trying to hold down the fort. We made the difficult decision to move to NZ for a couple of months to provide support for everyone.

At first, S was going to go alone as we thought it would only be for 4-6 weeks. It was going to be expensive for him just to get there (Everyone who enters NZ must quarantine at an allocated hotel for 14 days. And you have to pay for it – NZD 3100! Also, this didn’t include the flights to NZ) but we found out that Managed Isolation and Quarantine would waive the fee if you stayed in NZ for over 90 days.

We agreed that being apart for 3 months was unacceptable, so I made the very very hard decision to keep my business closed for the next few months so that I can travel with S.

I am feeling resentful of this massive disruption to our lives, even though I completely understand that alcoholism is a disease which is difficult to control. So, yes, I am sympathetic but I’m also scared of what I’m supposed to do, and how this will affect our relationship.

I’m very lucky that the Australian govt will still support me until March, even when I’m not in the country. So, it’s nice that I’ll have some money coming in, but I have such a scarcity mindset. I’m always worried money. I’m trying to get over it though. I’ve actually constantly been blessed with abundance. I’ve never really gone without.

Anyway, we’re booked to arrive in NZ on December 19th, which means we’ll be spending Christmas and New Year stuck in a hotel room, not able to leave except to do a quick couple of laps around the block for exercise. It was the earliest date we could get, since the spaces in the allocated hotels are limited.

The upside is that when we get out, S gets to be with his lovely little son, and the weather and beaches in NZ will be stunning.

Swings and Roundabouts, I suppose.

New Housemate

S’ friend, J, has come to stay with us, and he’ll be looking after our place and cat, Jasmine, while we’re away.

This is the first time I’ve lived with someone who isn’t family or an SO. But, J is fucking lovely and super chill to live with. He’s so neat. Seriously… you should see the way he makes the bed. It looks like a hotel bed. Major stamp of approval from me.

Our sex-life is much more limited which is a little frustrating (no more impromptu sex-sessions on the couch for a while!) but it is what it is. Learning to be stealthy in the bedroom is actually quite an adventure. LOL

Spirituality and Witchy Shit

I’m leaning heavily into my spirituality right now. The Scorpio in me is absolutely fucking hating the lack of control in my life, but the Universe is totally throwing “go with the flow” vibes at me and I’m really trying to let go of the reins.

It’s difficult. I’m such a planner – a doer, and I’m trying to come up with things to focus on while our lives are upended.

I’m so glad I have a steady partner in S. And I’m also glad I have the podcast to work on. I also need to get back into working on my virtual assistant Instagram account to try and get some virtual work. Having some kind of projects will give me purpose.

I’ve also bought myself a new Tarot deck because I am determined to learn to read the cards.

Santa Muerte Tarot: The Lovers

I’m also trying to learn about my deities and guides. And also… the idea of doing Shadow work sounds really intriguing to me.

Some Sad and Shocking News

I found out on Sunday that my ex died by suicide early last week. I hadn’t talked to her much since we ended in 2016. I thought of her often, though, and took the news badly.

In a way, I feel like I don’t have the right to be as upset as I am since I ended things, and I hadn’t stayed in touch.

Ok, that’s it for my October/November update.

??

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everything

Master of None

So, from this month onwards, I’m thinking a once-a-month update is a totally achievable goal. Anyway, here is a list of some of the things that have happened since my last post.

Stage 4

In July, after the second wave of COVID-19 cases, the premier put us into stage 4 lockdown.

Stage 4 means:

  • 8pm – 5am curfew
  • Staying at home if you are not an essential worker or have a permit from your employer to travel to work
  • Only one person from your household is allowed out to buy groceries
  • We may only travel up to 5km from our house and if you work outside of this you need to have proof and a permit from your employer
  • Masks must be worn at all times when outside unless exercising
  • You can only go out to exercise for 1 hour per day
  • All retail outlets except for groceries are shut (but click and collect is allowed for some business)
  • Take away and delivery only

At the peak of Victoria’s lockdown, the highest number of COVID-19 cases recorded was 725 in one day. I can’t even imagine how many cases weren’t recorded… all those people who knew they had it – or had a feeling they did – but couldn’t be bothered to get tested…

Anyway, we’re now recording about 40-60 cases per day, and stage 4 was supposed to last until this coming Sunday, but the premier is wary of easing the restrictions when the cases are still quite high, so Stage 4 has been extended until the end of September. Single people are now allowed to connect themselves to another household though and, if I’m not mistaken, the curfew is from 9pm to 5am.

I’m really glad they’ve allowed single people to visit one other household now. S has a friend who became single at the beginning of the year and now lives alone. We’ve been worried about his mental health and want to invite him to come and visit us, or at least urge him to find another household to connect with so he doesn’t feel so isolated.

Staying close to the surface

I decided to enroll in an online virtual assistant course to learn some skills to become a virtual assistant. It’s pretty amazing how a lot of the homegrown skills I have – basic webdesign, graphic design, social media strategy, audio and video editing, email marketing, etc. were things I picked up out of curiosity throughout the years of being online.

I’ve finished the course now and want to focus on podcast editing and creating graphics, and I think I’d like to work with businesses who are a little bit mystical and soul-led – whose passions are about creating safe spaces for people to heal and thrive.

Now I just need to fucking find these people and prove to them I’m worth hiring. That’s the hard part. Fuck I hate selling myself.

I’ve learned over the years that there are 2 things I absolutely love to do: learn something new and set up/prepare for whatever I’ve learned.

I master the basics, but then, nothing. I get that usual “Well, now what?” feeling but don’t know how to proceed. Or maybe it’s that I don’t want to.
It’s happened with almost everything in my life. Very rarely do I want to dig deeper into the new skill I now have.

I want to know a little bit about everything without really having to specialise in anything.

But also make money.

*facedesk

*facedesk

*facedesk

I bought a journal

Of course I fucking did. Another thing I can set up and start…

The other night, I started reading some of my old journals from 2015 and 2017.

I actually did finish a ridiculous amount of journals in 2017. Something happened that caused me a lot of pain and I poured out all my feelings and it was amazingly cathartic. I got through about 4 or 5 journals in the span of 18 months.

But I stopped writing in 2018. I stopped because I felt better and I’m sad that I lost interest just because the negativity had gone…

And then I started reading A Discovery of Witches and in book 2 – (spoiler alert) the protagonist and her husband travel back to 1590 London and she starts writing little anonymous diary entries in a book and of course, back in the present day, someone finds it.

[Sidenote: read the first book and then watch the first season of the tv series. Matthew Goode is *chefs kiss* as Matthew de Clermont.]

It got me thinking about how picking up my old journals was healing for me. I think I’ve always just used journaling as a way to get all my shit out and although I still want to do that I also want to use it to unlock some not-so-nice attitudes I’ve noticed.
I need to overcome some selfish stuff that I don’t like about myself so that I can move forward and be better. More giving, less calculative. Less… transactional?

Marriage < Wedding

S and I have had to stop our wedding planning because of COVID-19 and at first, I was really sad about the uncertainty of everything, but the pandemic and being indoors so much has made me realise how important owning our own home is to me.

I love this little house we’re renting. It’s old and wonky- the floor in the corner of our bedroom in which I am writing this post slants downwards enough that my office chair actually rolls me towards it. It’s also incredibly draughty. On a particularly stormy night a few weeks ago, I actually felt a cold breeze through the floorboards.

Even with all of this, I am quite happy in this little bungalow.

But it’s not ours. And I really want our own place.

Melbourne’s real estate has definitely taken a hit, but housing prices are still astronomical. The pandemic has made us both realise we really don’t need to live near the city. In fact, if my virtual assistant work takes off, we could live anywhere we wanted, and I’m loving the idea of living somewhere quite rural – on a bigger plot of land than we could afford where we are now. Maybe about an hour and a half outside of the city. Or even NZ so S could be closer to his son.

At the end of the day, a marriage with S is more important to me than a massive party that costs the same as a downpayment for a house. I really want a home – a place to call our own. It’s so important to me.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for this month. See you in October.

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:( everything family venting

Bicycle

I am 38 years old, and don’t know how to ride a bicycle.

This is something that has caused me to feel a lot of shame and resentment.

Riding a bike is a basic skill I missed out on learning. To me, it feels like not being able to swim or drive, and I feel an incredible amount of fomo about this. Everyone else in my family can ride a bike but me. Maybe this is indicative of how I fit within my family. I’ll leave that up to the psychologists.

Anyway, during all of this isolating, Scott mentioned that he’d like to buy me a bike so I could learn. He then told me all about how he loved the idea of going on outings together. As soon as he started talking about it, I felt sad and self-conscious. I’ve tried to learn in the past. I bought a bike in 2013 when I was with an ex who was an avid cyclist (lycra and all) and would practice cruising down the very slight decline outside the front of my house late at night. After a while, the cruising was fine but I just couldn’t get my head around pedaling and so I gave up.

Since then, I’ve dabbled with the idea of getting a tricycle. I personally think they look cute and don’t think it’s that weird to see adults on them. I think for a lot of people there’s this idea that only oldies use them, and if that’s the case then I’m happy to join them!
I’d even mentioned this a few times to Scott – about maybe just getting a tricycle – and I felt like my idea was dismissed as a joke or just… I don’t know… being too lazy to learn? That not riding at all is better than riding a trike. And that’s a really sad thing because the one thing I hate more than anything else in the world is the feeling of being left out of things.

Anyway, I told him I’d love a bike, but to also not get his hopes up because this wasn’t the first time I’d tried. So, I got an adorable bike called the Liv Flourish 3 Sport.

LIV Flourish 3 Sport 2020

So, at 160cm tall, I was told to get the S but after taking it home and sitting on it, I discovered I can’t plant my feet flat on the ground on it – something all the tutorials I read told me was kind of important. Damn my fucking short legs! I mean, I can still place the balls of my feet comfortably on the ground so I do feel pretty stable, although I wish I had gotten the XS now (which would have come with its own limitations – the length of the bike is shorter so I don’t know if I’d fit standing in the gap between the wheels).
Also, WTF – the seat hurts like a motherfucker. Why are they so uncomfortable? My cooch is bruised from practicing for 30 minutes two days ago!

I know I’m coming across as kind of petty and a total downer but this whole not-being-able-to-ride-a-bike thing feels like a major character flaw and at this point, I’m not really feeling very hopeful about ever being able to do this. And I’m also so sick of all the people who just say bullshit things like, “you just have to get pedaling! The slower you go, the harder it is! Just GO!”
Like, ok. How bout I push you into the pool so you can learn to swim? Just start paddling! You just have to jump in!

Anyway. I don’t really have anything else to say about this. I’m just feeling sad, vulnerable, self-conscious and less than right now.

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everything

Life has changed for all of us.

So my good friend Crys IM’d me the other day to inform me of the resurrection of her old blog and, of course, because I feel a deep sense of FOMO all day every day, I had to resurrect my mine.

We’re in a pretty strange time. 2020 has been a bit of a shit-show, y’all. Bushfires and pandemics… basically, there are only 2 gears: “Not-great” and “Holy-fuck-this-is-a-dumpster-fire”.
Because of the work that I do (waxing and tinting) I’ve had to shut down my business since you obvs cannot be physically distant doing my job. Fufu has been shut for over a month now, and it was really difficult to begin with. The Australian government has done a pretty great job of supporting sole traders like myself so I have been able to get the Jobkeeper payment. I am so grateful for that.

The first three weeks of being stuck at home with no work were overwhelming and disorienting. Scott is lucky to be able to work remotely and so his job is safe from any pay-cuts and decreased hours. But sitting around at home while he worked was very hard for me. I felt guilty – as if I was lazy for not doing something productive or that made us money. But now, after 6 weeks, I’ve found my groove. I’ve learned how to bake white bread, and a delicious seeded bread that tastes similar to Vogel’s. I’ve learned how to weave simple tapestries. I’ve taught myself how to sew face masks with my sewing machine. I have afternoon tea every single day with English tea biscuits that I baked myself. I’m not going to lie – this is the fucking life. I feel terrible saying that when I know a lot of people around me are really struggling with money and the loss of loved ones.

It’s so funny how Scott and I actually spend the majority of our time at home and so, save for the limitations on the already small amount of outside activities we did, not much has changed for our coupledom.

I do hope everyone is safe and well. Life has changed and I cannot imagine going back to the way things were. Almost all aspects of the future are unknown and that is quite a terrifying realisation.

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everything family jakarta

November, November

I’m this avid journaler who just can’t figure out the best way to journal. I love blogs, but I also really love handwritten notebooks. But…. then I also love the idea of using my brand new iPad Pro and Pencil to handwrite journal entries but don’t know what to do with them.

I’m currently watching My Favorite Murder Ep 30. This show is almost as calming to me as watching pimple popping videos. God, I love true crime. 

Anyway, as always it’s been a crazy amount of time since my last entry. To be honest I completely forgot about this site. I really should just let it fall by the wayside but I’ve had it for so long and it’s just so difficult for me to let things go. I’m really attached to things – much more than I should be. 

Scott and I are doing well. We’re going to NZ for Christmas to visit Bax and I’m excited to be going away for a bit. I need some proper hot weather.

We went to Jakarta for my birthday which was really great. It was so lovely to spend it with my family. I was really yearning for them for quite a few months, and it made me so happy to be able to show Scott my hometown. It was humid and stormy while we were there. One day we went to Plaza Senayan and when we walked out to wait for the car, it felt like we had walked into a steam room. The air was so thick and heavy with moisture! Anyway, we ate a crazy amount of awesome food, but at the end of the trip Scott got a mild case of “Bali Belly” so we had to chill and stay home so that he didn’t get any sicker. I tell you… it’s a really strange thing to hear your beloved partner and your dad talk so openly about poop! 

Sometimes, Melbourne gets me down. I don’t have many friends here these days so sometimes I feel lonely. The problem I have though is that I’m so much more impatient with new friends when they’re going through something. When you have best friends that you’ve known for over 20 years, who have been to hell and back with you… it’s hard to care about the little drama your new friends are experiencing. I’m trying not to be so uncaring but I think my old age has turned me into a jaded person who just doesn’t have the patience to deal with really dumb shit. 

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:( love

My parents are here at the moment and it has been lovely. It’s the first time they’ve met Scott, and it has gone really well. My parents are pretty easygoing so it’s not hard to like them. Especially Dad. He’s charming with a wry send of humour, so most people who meet him kind of gush about how awesome he is.

Last night, my parents also met Scott’s mum and her partner. It was a huge moment for me, because my parents have never met the parent/s of any of my previous significant others. It kind of makes my relationship with Scott even more important, and that is a scary thing, because I want this relationship to work, but sometimes I feel like I’m more invested in all of it than he is and that makes me a little sad.

Perhaps he’s just better at being comfortable in it than me; he’s gotten into a good rhythm or something… I, on the other hand, feel like we should be way more smitten with each other since it’s only been a little over a year.

The thing is, Scott admitted to being a serial monogamist. I mean, before me, he was in a 12-year relationship. He knows the ins and outs of coupledom and domesticity. I don’t. I can’t really blame him for finding his footing faster than me, can I?

Anyway, I’m feeling self conscious and in need of some reassurance that we’re doing ok.

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:(

Lost?

I’m feeling really out of sorts this evening and I have no idea why. I had a great day. I assembled some bookcases that were delivered on Monday, and then rearranged our stuff and now our home looks so nice and less cluttered, and also surprisingly not at all too full considering how small our place actually is.

But since coming back from my yoga class these evening, I’ve just been feeling off. Scott was busy working away at his computer when I walked through the door so he was distracted. When he’s like this and I don’t have his full attention for the first 10 minutes of us reconnecting after being apart all day, I do sometimes feel a little off. Maybe it’s that.

Whatever the cause, I still can’t shake it. Even a super hot shower didn’t do the trick.

I’m curled up in bed now while Scott’s still on the couch.

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:( fashion venting work

The new collection is a disaster.

I just received some samples from my manufacturers in Bali and I am so disappointed.

7 out of 11 pieces are way too big, and 2 are too small. There are only 2 pieces that are correct.

I’m already late as it is, and now I’m going to be even later with my collection. 🙁 I am currently in Perth on a mini vacay, which I  chose to do over going to Bali because I thought my manufacturers had this sorted, but now I’m having trouble enjoying my time away because all I can think about is how I wasted my money on this holiday when I could have gone to Bali to handle this. I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling so discouraged that I honestly feel like skipping a winter collection altogether and just taking a very long break until September.

Maybe I just need to make some winter staples to tide me over until spring. My manufacturer got the most beautiful linen coat right, and a lovely shirt dress. I could totally work on those with a few other pieces.

The only problem is I wanted this new collection to  be very  “OG Seraphim”. I wanted it to be boho, with lots of amazing prints… and now I feel like I’m stuck on using black and grey… which is so Melbourne… but not necessarily where I want the company to go. I want the Melbourne structure mixed with the flowiness of Byron Bay. Is that too much to ask, Universe?

*sigh* I’m going to let myself moan for another day and then it’s back to the drawing board. I need to ovary up and sort this shit out.

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everything friends purewhitewave.net

Where are you all?

So I’ve spent my morning ignoring the weight of the hundred and one errands I have to do today, and have instead been going through this blog reading old comments and trying to find the people who wrote them.

Man, I used to have a great community of online friends. We would write earnest musings about life and love and comment just as earnestly on each other’s entries. I didn’t feel like they were just spectators. I felt like a lot of them were really there, feeling all those feelings with me, and I stupidly didn’t keep in touch. And now they’re all gone. All grown up with these amazing lives – I’m sure.

I hope you are all happy, and the dreams you had when we were young and a lot more free have come true.

<3

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everything

12 years.

With so many other blogs and domains I’ve purchased since pww.net, it’s odd I still keep checking in. I don’t know why I do… it’s as if I’m waiting for someone interesting to leave a comment. Maybe it’s because we go way back and I’m sentimental and a bit of a web-hoarder. Perhaps it’s because Pure White Wave was my first ever  internet persona and that’s really important to me. No matter how many other projects I’ve started, this one is under my skin the most.

I love this domain. 

Perhaps I should return to it 12 years later, writing nothing more than stories about life as a 35 yr old, because even though I was so much more gung-ho about blogging back then, I was definitely shit at being 100% real.

 

 

Weirdo.

I was talking to Caz about St Kilda the other day. I asked her to describe what it was like, since I only remember driving through the area.

Caz: It’s a real yuppie area. Filled with weirdos.
Jen: Hmm. Doesn’t sound that great then.
Caz: Not weirdos weirdos. Just weird people.
Jen: Explain weird people.
Caz: You know – they wear weird clothes and listen to weird music and watch weird movies I haven’t heard of.
Jen: What – you mean like arty types?
Caz: Yeah.. Arty farty weirdos.
Jen: But I’m kinda like that.
Caz: Yeah… you’d fit right in.

I still haven’t made up my mind about whether I should be insulted or flattered.

+ + + + +

Bianca took me there last night and I had a whale of a time catching up with her. We went to a little cafe for hot chocolate and affogato and then went off to The Espy to listen to some live music.

Before I dropped her home, we sat in the car and listened to some music.

You know you’re good friends when you sit there in the dark listening to music, not saying a word to each other.