Where are you all?

So I’ve spent my morning ignoring the weight of the hundred and one errands I have to do today, and have instead been going through this blog reading old comments and trying to find the people who wrote them.

Man, I used to have a great community of online friends. We would write earnest musings about life and love and comment just as earnestly on each other’s entries. I didn’t feel like they were just spectators. I felt like a lot of them were really there, feeling all those feelings with me, and I stupidly didn’t keep in touch. And now they’re all gone. All grown up with these amazing lives – I’m sure.

I hope you are all happy, and the dreams you had when we were young and a lot more free have come true.

<3

12 years.

With so many other blogs and domains I’ve purchased since pww.net, it’s odd I still keep checking in. I don’t know why I do… it’s as if I’m waiting for someone interesting to leave a comment. Maybe it’s because we go way back and I’m sentimental and a bit of a web-hoarder. Perhaps it’s because Pure White Wave was my first ever  internet persona and that’s really important to me. No matter how many other projects I’ve started, this one is under my skin the most.

I love this domain. 

Perhaps I should return to it 12 years later, writing nothing more than stories about life as a 35 yr old, because even though I was so much more gung-ho about blogging back then, I was definitely shit at being 100% real.

 

 

Next Stop: NEW YEARS!

29:12:03

Only a few more days left of 2003. Hope you all had an AMAZING Christmas. My cousin, Caz, and her husband Brett have been staying with us. Christmas was great. As always, we opened the presents at midnight, which is always so annoying because I don’t like waking up in the morning with no presents to open. But, oh well.

Presents received include:
-CDs,
-LOTS of jewellery
-A scarf Caz made
-A beautiful handmade recycled notebook (that is too damn nice to use)
-AN iPOD

So yes. It was a great Christmas indeed.

It’s 9.06am and I just finished packing. We’re going to Club Med Bali for New Years. I’m pretty psyched because it feels like we haven’t been in ages. I’m really looking forward to it. So, you all have a great New Years, and I shall see you in 2004.

Oh Christmas tree…

In my family, I am the Christmas tree decorator. Every year, I am the one that always decorates our tree. The rest of the family help sometimes but I am the only constant when it comes to the decoration – besides the decorations themselves, I mean…

Anyway, Mum and I decorated the tree yesterday, but our twinkly lights were only half working (damn things) so today, Mum bought some more. We had to take down ALL the decorations, put more lights up and then redecorate it. The annoying thing was that Mum’s friend was over and so she ‘helped’.

Now, I’m very territorial about my tree and I personally HATE it when someone who ISN’T in my family starts pushing in trying to take over MY tree by telling me how I should do it. It’s one of those things where if you helped decorate it from the very beginning, and it turns out great you feel awesome. But, since my mum and her friend started without me, I really just didn’t care about it anymore. Ok ok.. I obviously did. But I didn’t really want to help because the tree had been tainted. It took all my energy to not snatch all the pretty new decorations out of my mum’s friend’s filthy paws and deck her.

So.. after she had FINALLY left, I readjusted a bunch of the… thingies.. the round thingies that you hang on the tree… and NOW, because of my magical touch… the tree looks aaaawesome.

Same Country, Mate.

Ok. Check out this site and scroll down to Commercial Radio Stations. Now tell me – what do you see under Western Australia? That’s right. NOT A DAMN THING.

Look, dudes.. I know that we’re on the other side of the country here but we are still in AUSTRALIA. Yeah.. so we’re the most isolated city in the world. We’re still a city with at least THREE commercial radio stations for fook’s sake. So get your damn act together and include us. I’ve got no problem with you excluding Tasmania. They may be close to you but they’re on a whole different island. At least WE don’t have any fucking ocean standing in between us. Just a vast, arid, lifeless desert.

Bloody hell.

“To me, you are perfect.”

I just got home from watching Love Actually. And, as beautiful as the film was, the only thing I felt while walking out of the cinema was {emptiness}.

Perhaps I should just become a hermit and lock myself in my house… never coming out for any reason other than an emergency of some sort. Perhaps I should just build a wall around my heart that will keep people away. I’ll turn into an old woman who sits in a rocking chair all day and strums her guitar. For no one. Sometimes I wish I could push people out. I wish that I didn’t feel emotions so strongly. I seem to feel them more than any of my friends. I wish I could just feel nothing for people that I meet. Feeling nothing is better than feeling pain, wouldn’t you think?

My friends are all here in Perth and on Tuesday morning, I will be flying back to Indonesia. And in Indonesia, I have no one but my family. No friends. Only people that I talk to occasionally. I put myself on autopilot when I’m back there. “Nice to see you again.” “I’m doing very well, thanks.” “Have a good day.” And then the cycle repeats itself and so I continue the day on autopilot until the day turns into a week, which turns into a month, which turns into 6 months… and then a year goes by and I still feel alone and nothing has really changed. I’m just older, and more lonely and still very much empty.

I am tired of living a half-life – pretending that I’m ok. I’m not ok.

Continuation

Rob popped into my PM again:

Rob: i dont supppose you’d be willing to pose w/a snake?
Author: it would be an extra grand.
Rob: $450
Author: no. 1000
Rob: $600
Author: no. 1000
Rob: it’s non venomous you know….
Rob: $700-final offer
Author: no. 1000
Rob: dont you understand “final offer”?
Author: don’t you understand “no. 1000”?
Rob: if you handle business like you negotiate no wonder you’re single. lmao
Rob: nvm
Rob: scratch that
Rob: if you handle relationships the way you negotiate….blah blah blah
Author: idiot.

Put your hands on…

Les, Ambs and I went to Fremantle the other day. We went to the market and got our palms read. I don’t really believe in fortune telling of any kind but I do find it interesting to hear some of the answers that people give.

The first thing the palm reader said when she looked at my hand was that I worry WAY too much. I worry about EVERYTHING and that, if I don’t stop, I will eventually worry myself sick. There were things in my childhood that caused all of this anxiety but I don’t need to be worried anymore because all of the really bad things have already passed.

She then said that I had a real affinity to water, and that I always tend to go and drown my sorrows by swimming, taking a bath or just having a shower. I apparently need a water feature in my room that will help me relax.

Oh, she also said that I will have 2 marriages – the first one ending because of infidelity. Oooh.. scandal! Ha ha. For some strange reason.. I have that it’ll be me that will do it. Quite scary actually. She didn’t talk about kids though. Perhaps I won’t have any?

She told me that I’m lacking zinc and calcium. I need to be more careful with the amount of soda drinks I consume. Meh… I love my orange Fanta.

All in all, it was very cool.

RIP.

As I was about to bathe last night, I was disgusted to find a spider dangling right in the middle of my shower. And, as flattered as I was for the warm welcome home, I was still rather shitted to see him invading my personal space. Of course, there was no insect spray nearby, so I opted for my deoderant instead. It didn’t kill the little bastard – just stunned him into oblivion.. I thought it was best to leave him alone for the night and just go to sleep. Give him a few more hours to live. If he was still in there by the next morning, I wouldn’t be so merciful and would probably go and search for the RAID which is much more lethal than my ‘Fa – Mambo Sunset’ spray. Oh well. If he were to die… at least he’d smell nice.

Last night I had a fight with a friend of mine – a person who has been a significant part of my life for about 6 months or so. No, it wasn’t really a fight – it was basically me telling him what I didn’t like about him. Something I think he needed to hear since there was always this one thing that he didn’t like about me.. something so petty.. that prevented us from being together. And even though I resent him so fucking much for it, I can’t seem to get him out of my head.

******************************
Lastly, and most importantly of all, Tina called me up today to tell me that my great aunt passed away this afternoon.

“I pray that she found you through the darkness – that she has finally found her home.”

Rest In Peace.
******************************

Right Said Fred.

Well, I’m still at the hotel. We go home tomorrow. I am REALLY looking forward to it. On the other hand, I have been reminded of the sweetness that is Broadband internet. Oh, how I love thee, Broadband.

I’m watching some movie on HBO about the Civil War and the first black regiment that fought in the frontlines. Civil War. Men standing only 50 – 100 yards away from each other shooting muskets that had to be reloaded after each pull of the trigger. They literally saw the fear in the opposition’s eyes. What do we do these days? We fly overhead and bomb each other. We march behind tanks that bulldoze the enemy out of the way. We have all this technology that does all the dirty work for us. All they had were muskets and knives. Basically hand to hand combat. To me, THAT is bravery.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I think that anyone who wants to fight for their country deserves a medal but there is so much more to protect soldiers than before. And I wonder whether most of the soldiers actually look into the eyes of the men they slay… and see the fear and pain.

Anti-Princess.

Yeah yeah… this is supposed to be a Friday Five but what the hell.. I’m bored so I don’t care what you guys think.. mehehehe.

1. List five things you’d like to accomplish by the end of the year.
i) To have written at least one more song.
ii) To have lost a bit of weight.
iii) To get it into Mel’s head that she’s not a princess and to get her to grow the hell up.
iv) To have this same layout up because I really love it right now 🙂
v) To have gone to Perth to visit my friends 🙁

2. List five people you’ve lost contact with that you’d like to hear from again.
i) Kate Power from BIS
ii) Adrian Walker from Brisbane
iii) Louise Beverage from BIS
iv) Lisa Burr from BIS
v) Lucy Tighe from BIS

3. List five things you’d like to learn how to do.
i) Make mosaics
ii) Learn the sound recording process
iii) Learn how to play all the chords on the guitar
iv) Fly a helicopter or a plane
v) Learn how to become rich

4. List five things you’d do if you won the lottery (no limit).
i) Give a bunch of it to my favourite charities
ii) Buy some land and build a house in the style of the Balinese houses that I absolutely adore with my own little recording studio
iii) Throw a party that would make Elton John jealous
iv) Give a bunch to my family, especially my aunts and uncles that aren’t very well-to-do
v) Make an album on which I collaborate with people like John Mayer, Jars of Clay, Stevie Wonder, Sting and Maroon 5

5. List five things you do that help you relax.
i) Play guitar
ii) Listen to music
iii) Watch movies
iv) Having a really really hot bath
v) Curl up in bed for hours and hours and hours while reading or just napping.

Happy Lebaran

Well, my family and I will be staying at a hotel during the holiday week so I thought I’d just write a quick little message. I’m hoping that the hotel’s business centre will be cheap.. if it is, I’ll write an entry while I’m over there!

Happy Lebaran to all those people celebrating. Have a great day!

Hope you guys like the new layout.