No Such Thing

Groove FM is playing John Mayer’s No Such Thing, which is a bit of a surprise considering that Groove FM are an R&B + Dance station. A good surprise.

Good on you, Groove FM!

I was watching Conan O’Brien last night and one of his guests was this old woman.. in her 60’s, I’d say… who has a show on the Oxygen Network in the US that is all about sex toys and masturbation and stuff. She brought all these different vibrators onto the show and was passing them around to Tom Selleck and some WWF wrestler dude who were sitting next to her, giggling away. Anyway, she took out this great big strap-on dildo and said, “Now, this… THIS is called ‘The Accommodator’.” She then proceeded to put it on but this was no ordinary trap-on dildo – NAY – this was a strap-on dildo that strapped on to your chin.

Now, just imagine this for a minute – a cute little old woman with a dildo strapped to her chin.

Conan didn’t look too pleased. Tom Selleck did though.

Here’s the weird thing though. Why is it that a fake penis can be shown on network television.. but a real penis can’t? Maybe it’s the balls. Men, cut off your balls so I can see more dicks on tv. Oh wait. All I have to do is flip to CNN and I’m saturated with dicks. Bush, Hussein, Blair. Blair’s a nice looking dick though.

An email to Jordan.

Hey Jay Jay! hehehe

Sounds like you’re having a blast over there in Melbourne. You lucky bastard, you. Don’t forget to buy lots of crap that you’re never going to use and a souvenir for yourself that actually has MELBOURNE written on it. You need proof that you actually went. For all you know, I could be in Zimbabwe watching some psycho cheetah attack a poor and helpless gazelle in the African plains, sipping tea and talking with the natives. Did you know that there’s a tribe in Africa whose people have only two toes? They have these weird feet that sort of end in a V shape. Uber weird, I’m telling you.

Anyway, I have some bad news. I have misplaced your lyrics. I would like to say that I’ve been working on them but I haven’t because I’ve been lazy. I could lie to you and tell you that I’ve been hard at work planning this gig of ours, but lying isn’t nice. And you’d probably KNOW that I’m lying because, well, come on… JEN??? WORKING ON TAFE SHIT???? “I don’t think so,” says the world. Jen + tafe work = a bad headache and a stream of blood pouring from Scott’s head. We’re like water and oil, we are. (eerr… I’m talking about tafe work and me.. not Scott and me.)

I’ve gone way off track. Like I said, I’ve misplaced your lyrics because I suck… but it’s ok.. I really need some more input from you or something. If you can sort of get some melodies into your head and onto a tape it would be easier for Rob and I to try to get an idea of what you want.

Ok.. I’m going now. I need to work on my website.
Check it out by the way.. it’s a brand spanking new one – http://ua.net

Take care!!

~J.

RIP Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes

Waterfalls
by TLC

A lonely mother gazing out of her window
Staring at a son that she just can’t touch
If at any time he’s in a jam
She’ll be by his side
But he doesn’t realize he hurts her so much
But all the praying just ain’t helping
At all ’cause he can’t seem to keep
His self out of trouble
So he goes out and he makes his money
The best way he knows how
Another body laying cold in the gutter
Listen to me

Chorus:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that
You’re used to
I know that you’re gonna have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I think you’re moving too fast

Little precious has a natural obsession
For temptation but he just can’t see
She gives him loving that his body can’t handle
But all he can say is baby it’s good to me
One day he goes and takes a glimpse
In the mirror
But he doesn’t recognize his own face
His health is fading and he doesn’t know why
3 letters took him to his final resting place
Y’all don’t hear me

Chorus

I seen a rainbow yesterday
But too many storms have come and gone
Leavin’ a trace of not one God-given ray
Is it because my life is ten shades of grey
I pray all ten fade away
Seldom praise Him for the sunny days

And like His promise is true
Only my faith can undo
The many chances I blew
To bring my life to anew
Clear blue and unconditional skies
Have dried the tears from my eyes
No more lonely cries
My only bleedin’ hope
Is for the folk who can’t cope
Wit such an endurin’ pain
That it keeps ’em in the pourin’ rain
Who’s to blame
For tootin’ caine in your own vein
What a shame
You shoot and aim for someone else’s brain
You claim the insane
And name this day and time
For fallin’ prey to crime
I say the system got you victim to your own mind

Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin’ true
Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and you

Catching Up.

Nothing much has been happening these last few days. So here’s a few of the highlights that I can think of:

§ On Wednesday a took Vanina to get her tongue pierced at Steel Candy. Such a brave girl… lol. She even got a discount because I took her there!

§ I’ve been practicing with the band a few times a week. We have a gig coming up and we’re SO not ready. So much more practice needed! aargh!

§ On Sunday night, Ruth had her birthday bash at the OBH. It’s this bar that all the country folk go to. It wasn’t bad actually. There were so many people from highschool there and it was great catching up with them all again. After the bar, we were supposed to meet at Club Bayview but we rocked up early, and it was completely empty. So Les, Sandy and I went to Oriels instead.

§ My dog, Jaxon, died yesterday morning in Indonesia. 🙁 We don’t know what he died of, but he’s always been a weak dog. *sigh* So sad…

Don’t Let Me Get Me

I never win 1st place
I don’t support the team
I can’t take direction
And my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
‘Cause I can’t do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can’t take the person staring back at me

I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

LA told me
You’ll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She’s so pretty
That just ain’t me

So doctor doctor won’t you please prescribe me something