“To me, you are perfect.”

I just got home from watching Love Actually. And, as beautiful as the film was, the only thing I felt while walking out of the cinema was {emptiness}.

Perhaps I should just become a hermit and lock myself in my house… never coming out for any reason other than an emergency of some sort. Perhaps I should just build a wall around my heart that will keep people away. I’ll turn into an old woman who sits in a rocking chair all day and strums her guitar. For no one. Sometimes I wish I could push people out. I wish that I didn’t feel emotions so strongly. I seem to feel them more than any of my friends. I wish I could just feel nothing for people that I meet. Feeling nothing is better than feeling pain, wouldn’t you think?

My friends are all here in Perth and on Tuesday morning, I will be flying back to Indonesia. And in Indonesia, I have no one but my family. No friends. Only people that I talk to occasionally. I put myself on autopilot when I’m back there. “Nice to see you again.” “I’m doing very well, thanks.” “Have a good day.” And then the cycle repeats itself and so I continue the day on autopilot until the day turns into a week, which turns into a month, which turns into 6 months… and then a year goes by and I still feel alone and nothing has really changed. I’m just older, and more lonely and still very much empty.

I am tired of living a half-life – pretending that I’m ok. I’m not ok.

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