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Month: May 2020
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Bicycle
I am 38 years old, and don’t know how to ride a bicycle.
This is something that has caused me to feel a lot of shame and resentment.
Riding a bike is a basic skill I missed out on learning. To me, it feels like not being able to swim or drive, and I feel an incredible amount of fomo about this. Everyone else in my family can ride a bike but me. Maybe this is indicative of how I fit within my family. I’ll leave that up to the psychologists.
Anyway, during all of this isolating, Scott mentioned that he’d like to buy me a bike so I could learn. He then told me all about how he loved the idea of going on outings together. As soon as he started talking about it, I felt sad and self-conscious. I’ve tried to learn in the past. I bought a bike in 2013 when I was with an ex who was an avid cyclist (lycra and all) and would practice cruising down the very slight decline outside the front of my house late at night. After a while, the cruising was fine but I just couldn’t get my head around pedaling and so I gave up.
Since then, I’ve dabbled with the idea of getting a tricycle. I personally think they look cute and don’t think it’s that weird to see adults on them. I think for a lot of people there’s this idea that only oldies use them, and if that’s the case then I’m happy to join them!
I’d even mentioned this a few times to Scott – about maybe just getting a tricycle – and I felt like my idea was dismissed as a joke or just… I don’t know… being too lazy to learn? That not riding at all is better than riding a trike. And that’s a really sad thing because the one thing I hate more than anything else in the world is the feeling of being left out of things.
Anyway, I told him I’d love a bike, but to also not get his hopes up because this wasn’t the first time I’d tried. So, I got an adorable bike called the Liv Flourish 3 Sport.
So, at 160cm tall, I was told to get the S but after taking it home and sitting on it, I discovered I can’t plant my feet flat on the ground on it – something all the tutorials I read told me was kind of important. Damn my fucking short legs! I mean, I can still place the balls of my feet comfortably on the ground so I do feel pretty stable, although I wish I had gotten the XS now (which would have come with its own limitations – the length of the bike is shorter so I don’t know if I’d fit standing in the gap between the wheels).
Also, WTF – the seat hurts like a motherfucker. Why are they so uncomfortable? My cooch is bruised from practicing for 30 minutes two days ago!
I know I’m coming across as kind of petty and a total downer but this whole not-being-able-to-ride-a-bike thing feels like a major character flaw and at this point, I’m not really feeling very hopeful about ever being able to do this. And I’m also so sick of all the people who just say bullshit things like, “you just have to get pedaling! The slower you go, the harder it is! Just GO!”
Like, ok. How bout I push you into the pool so you can learn to swim? Just start paddling! You just have to jump in!
Anyway. I don’t really have anything else to say about this. I’m just feeling sad, vulnerable, self-conscious and less than right now.
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Life has changed for all of us.
So my good friend Crys IM’d me the other day to inform me of the resurrection of her old blog and, of course, because I feel a deep sense of FOMO all day every day, I had to resurrect my mine.
We’re in a pretty strange time. 2020 has been a bit of a shit-show, y’all. Bushfires and pandemics… basically, there are only 2 gears: “Not-great” and “Holy-fuck-this-is-a-dumpster-fire”.
Because of the work that I do (waxing and tinting) I’ve had to shut down my business since you obvs cannot be physically distant doing my job. Fufu has been shut for over a month now, and it was really difficult to begin with. The Australian government has done a pretty great job of supporting sole traders like myself so I have been able to get the Jobkeeper payment. I am so grateful for that.
The first three weeks of being stuck at home with no work were overwhelming and disorienting. Scott is lucky to be able to work remotely and so his job is safe from any pay-cuts and decreased hours. But sitting around at home while he worked was very hard for me. I felt guilty – as if I was lazy for not doing something productive or that made us money. But now, after 6 weeks, I’ve found my groove. I’ve learned how to bake white bread, and a delicious seeded bread that tastes similar to Vogel’s. I’ve learned how to weave simple tapestries. I’ve taught myself how to sew face masks with my sewing machine. I have afternoon tea every single day with English tea biscuits that I baked myself. I’m not going to lie – this is the fucking life. I feel terrible saying that when I know a lot of people around me are really struggling with money and the loss of loved ones.
It’s so funny how Scott and I actually spend the majority of our time at home and so, save for the limitations on the already small amount of outside activities we did, not much has changed for our coupledom.
I do hope everyone is safe and well. Life has changed and I cannot imagine going back to the way things were. Almost all aspects of the future are unknown and that is quite a terrifying realisation.